More.

There has been a lot of wishful thinking going on with me recently, that sounds a little like "Man, It's gotta be close - sometime soon we'll be in a better home.  That doesn't have a tiny damp shower room that is completely coated in black mold.  And isn't so cold that my daughter wants to go to bed in her dressing gown and slippers.  And doesn't have a view of our neighbours windows that erase all sense of privacy." 

Every morning I freeze my ass off as I shower with the windows open wide in hopes that this will help.
It does not.  

I mull over my own sense of inadequacy for not being able to think of a way to get out of this situation, even though, I know that if it weren't for the EQC dragging it's heels we'd be able to move somewhere healthier.

Yet in the same breath I realize just how lucky we are to be able to afford the luxuries that we do have, and that there are so many things that we are blessed with that are just beyond the reach of so many.  Even the basic things in life that we take for granted like enough food, shelter, clothes, schooling.  We were born into the safe bubble of life that New Zealand offers.  I can't even begin to get just how hard life is for some people. 

Gandy or grandma often read to the girls when we stay there.

I get stuck in the cycle of wanting more - a warmer house, nicer clothes, couches that aren't peeling, music/ballet/gymnastics lessons for my kids, nicer cuts of meat, more holidays, more, better.  And then I take stock, and look around and realize that I have everything I need and more. I've been greedy.  It's hard to find the balance.  A certain amount of drive, of wanting to succeed seems important.  I am after all a product of my environment, and I am bombarded with messages from a young age that more is better, and that I SHOULD have more.  And the thing is that I want to succeed.  I want to strive for better. Because the promise of a new day filled with the opportunity to grow and improve gets me out of bed in the morning. I wake up and think motivating things to myself like "I'm going to be a better mamma today" and "I'm going to kick ass with my work today".  I want to better myself.  And the lives of my kids.  But this other stuff?  All of this material crap?  Yeah I could do without wanting it so much.  It's confusing though.  Is it wrong to want a warmer house for my kids?   To want to be able to offer them lessons in something that they want to learn?  This stuff isn't black and white.  How do I teach my kids to be generous and grateful when I struggle with this myself?

I know when it comes down to it, the most important thing is family.  Cliche?  Yup.  Doesn't make it less true.  A life filled with people to love and who love you back.  Now THAT'S what I want.  That's what I have. I'm lucky.

My girls still have great grandparents that are fit enough to play!
And this house?  I relax as soon as I'm at mum and dads.  It's warm, and clean and it just feels right.